ABUSE

Most songs are about love or despair, it's like thats the only time we care,
to put a rhyme and meter together, to make the pain last forever

Stop the charade i say, we have lost the righteous way, when creativity was abound, not a conceited bone to be picked

Let us put our gift to use, and let the journey begin anew

Work in Progress

I like walking in old town, i also like to call South Mumbai old town, i am quite creative in a zany Oscar Wilde sort of way. As i was saying, i love to walk in old town, aimlessly stroll through the streets and by lanes, look up at old buildings, reminisce about college as i pass the familiar haunts. But the most casual of past - times is the spotting of the jack ass.

Now don't be alarmed, i am not into beastiality, i don't get off on Donkey's, matter of fact it raises the question, why aren't there any jack asses in old town? Sorry i went off topic again, old town is perhaps the place where you can get almost anything, from the best sugarcane juice to the transvestite right next to it. That copy of 'Catcher in the Rye' that you have been looking for right next to January 98 issue of Penthouse. I can keep naming examples but i was explaining Jack asses.

You see a Jack ass is what in old parlance would be called a 'specimen' a 'one piece' . And old town always has a new one to offer. This particular day was a lazy saturday afternoon about three weeks ago. I was walking in Fort in the general direction of Fountain.....and i see him. How did i know it was him? well he was wearing a well cut grey suit, smart white shirt, brown classic shoes and a hair cut worth at least a grand of good money, oh and a a blue tie with a vanilla ice cream cone on it. I had to halt here, i mean i just had to, the tie was like a signal for me, i knew that this was my man. He might as well have been wearing a sign saying "Come to see the Jack ass". So i hovered in the general area, because with Jackasses the wait is never too long (that works both as a relative reference, and a real one)

Sure enough his buddy, similarly attired, walks up to him and hands him a Samosa Pav. The buddy is smart enough to caution our man saying "Dude, watch out for the chutney, it could spill". Waves of anticipation were crashing inside me, at this point i was just waiting for the inevitable. The lovely green and red chutney would now ruin this Dude's nice shirt and lovely tie. He took his first bite, with an air of confidence and vigour...and....

"Chenna"

I was stunned, my name being called out in that familiar manner had given me a jolt. I was ridden with guilt and remorse - a reflex action. I turned around half curious and half afraid, what was i afraid of? Retribution of course....i told you, old reflex.

Expecting to see an old matron, or a professor, i was surprised by a five foot something form of petite gorgeousness. The lovely face, the silky hair and eyes that could start a war, or a street fight at the very least.

"Fuck!", said the 'Dude' in the background, my thoughts exactly. His in anger and dismay mine of affirmation and amazement.

"Well, say something"; sparkling, shiny filmy teeth

"....hello" ; i do not know this girl from Adam

"You don't remember me?"; went the harmonious sound

Now this couldn't be true, either i had never met her, or i had somehow forgotten this siren's name. Of course, my first impulse is to lie, lying is second nature, no actually its just nature.

"Of course i do! How are you doing? What are you doing here? How is life these days? Met anyone back from the day?"

Classic techniques of buying time, stall, ask questions, get clues, keep away from obvious references and just dig in deep. It's like 21 questions, pnly here you can be really embarrassed.

"Oh, i am just shopping for some old books ya. But it is so nice to see you, i mean it has been soooooo long."

Tricky, we have to kinda guess from the degree of the word 'long', just when we would have last met. Here i guessed maybe Junior college, but this evidence was still preliminary. Keep stalling.

"Yahhhhhh"; matching the degree, "It has been damn long ya. When was the last time we met anyway?" ; yes it is a bit obvious but it works, trust me it works

"Last day of school i think. No no, it was the day we came to get our mark sheets."

BOOM - School, ya she looked like i knew her from school, we had very few hot chicks in school, she has to be one of maybe 5 women.

"Oh yes, correct, damn man that is a long time, over eight years now. You haven't changed a bit from those days though."

"Errr... ya, i guess so, neither have you, that is good, otherwise we would have walked right past each other."

Not true, i would have oggled this lass to the point of social and moral acceptance.

"How are Renuka, Chhaya and Mayuri? Are you in touch with them?"

These are three of the five, i remember them, so this one had to be their friend. I don't remember the other two.

"I don't know, i haven't seen them since the last day of school either. I moved to Bangalore soon after."

This is a sad fact, when people move, they tend to discard old relationships. Even strong bonds with brothers have known to sever due to geographical distances, this was but a few skanks hanging out bitching about each other.

"Hmmm, when did you come back from Bangalore?"

"Last year, i have been busy since, got a job working at a financial consultancy."

Booom Shakalaka.....those girls were hot, but i don't remember them being smart. I am in the wilderness again, i can't put a finger on who this chick is.

"I am working at a PR consultancy."

You got to match them toe to toe bro!

This conversation was underway in the middle of the road, and since i wasn't really getting anywhere close to her name and still surviving, i decided to push things a notch higher.

"Let's grab coffee, catch up, what say?"

"Oh, no i am with somebody right now, but we can catch up tomorrow or something. Give me your number."

'With' somebody, ok i had to understand if she was WITH somebody or with somebody.

I gave her my number and asked her to give me a missed call.

"So how do you spell your name?" i asked, this is an old school move - old from when mobiles were invented about 15 years ago.

"M - E - E - N - A - L"

I felt like a proper asshole, i had no Meenal saved in my memory banks. I was appalled that i had no recollection of beautiful Meenal, yet she knew me quite well.

"So where is this guy, you are with", hoping to God she would correct me

"He is back there looking at some books."

Age old tradition of comparing yourself to the competition. Smart, good looking, picked up the Great Gatsby, so intelligent. Ok, he wins.

"Him huh? What is his name?"

She looks over to 'him' and calls out - "Aniruddh"

"Meet Chenna, my school friend, remember i used to told you about this guy who used to help me out with literature and call me Minny"

MINNY! The short, pig tail wearing, pimple faced, brat with the bad attitude. The girl who used to think that the falling cards at the end of Solitaire was cool. The girl who had worn a Salwar to prom night. MINNY - who i did help in literature because i was a self righteous pompous asshole and love to teach literature. This....this angel used to be Minny- the dunky girl who was good at Math and hated holidays.

"Hi Chenna, i am Aniruddh"

I was still in a daze, i could not believe that this was Minny. Sure, the oiled pigtails had made the hair strong. The braces had made the teeth fantastic. The one - brow had become two and made her eyes pop out. The Math had given her a successful career.

"You know, i had the biggest crush on Chenna that time, oh my God! But i don't think he was interested in girls at the time. Right Chenna? You were in love with Shakespeare then correct?", she laughed, i don't see the humour, maybe you do.

There is this silly liitle feeling you get, when something as awful as this happens, bile starts pouring into your stomach and you want to gag. I could be with this Goddess, if i had just stuck with her back then. Ignored her bitchiness, her looks and her temperament. Just given her a chance!

"Chenna, i got to run, call me tomorrow, we shall go out"; said the maiden

"Bye dude, nice meeting you", the competition

Words were formed in my head, but never made it out. I saw them walking away, hand in hand and in love .

I stood there for a while, shell shocked and unhappy.

Then i went home, i had seen the Jackass for the day.

Hope

One day i shall see her beautiful eyes,

her gorgeous face in a happy surprise,

The lovely tress and pretty smile,

will leave me dumb and stunned for a while

Her wandering gaze will find me staring,

it won't be annoying, she would think it is daring,

A nod of her head will gesture me hither,

inviting me for a word or two with her

I would walk over, in a stately stride,

stomach in chest out, full of pride,

Her body language, couldn't be easier

she wants me right there, intimate and near

First few thoughts have sealed the deal,

we have set a date tomorrow for a lovely meal,

bidding her adieu i would thank the stars,

maiden from Venus, an oaf from Mars

Such lovely dreams and wishes i possess,

i long for the loving warm caress,

My thought sets me reeling, wanting to elope,

Reality is daunting, but my heart's filled with hope

Preview to the Golden Years

Diwali is a wonderful season, it is festival time and everyone is pulling the stops to be happy, merry and gay. Walls are painted, homes are redecorated, new products are bought, old stuff is thrashed. Families get together and celebrate with good cheer and reaffirm a connection that will only be livend up next year. Most importantly there is food, because as Indians we have definitely one thing in common, and i mean all 1.42 billion of us is the joy of food.

Diwali being the premium celebration the food made available to us is not only scrumptious and unbelievable, it is also available in plenty. Oh, and as if you did not have enough food at home, there are friends and neighbours that will come by and drop off some for you. Then you go to work and you will find some more delectable goodies.

As grown ups you have to keep a close eye on your intake of food in this season. I mean, the sheer volume just clouds your judgement, and you tend to make insane dietary choices. Most of us can get away with eating like this, kids because of their strong metabolism don't even notice it. Most adults, those who have retained this metabolism from their childhood, also have no problem with this. It is poor folk like me that have to bear the brunt of the consequences.

Ok i have to say this, i am going to turn twenty three on October 26th (no, that is not a subtle reminder for you folks), i am still quite young, or so it would seem correct. Don't get me wrong, i am still quite physically fit, and i can push my body to extreme situations and it can still take it, but lately i have to be extra careful of what i am eating.

I go to a restaurant, i order the food, the least fried, least fatty and the ones with the best nutrition to calories ratio. Do you know what just went out of the equation - taste! For the first time in over two decades, i don't mind what my food tastes like as long as it is healthy. All of this and i am still not 23 years old.

My dad, started watching his food intake at the age of 40 - till then he just ate whatever he got his hands on. So what makes me so different from my Dad. By the way, my Dad also exploited his system like i did, but he did it for longer. My Dad has diabetes, high blood pressure, a family history of piles and weighs 140 kg. Not what you would call a healthy specimen - well the gentleman still has pristine digestive system.

This is alarming - i mean i am actually losing my sleep over it, truth be told i am losing sleep 'cause i am gassy and i can't sleep, so quite literally losing sleep over it. I have to see what is wrong - why is it that i have the digestive system of a 40 year old man.

There is an all time favourite reason - CK you don't chew your food properly. I have made a sincere effort to chew my food rigorously - for fear of losing sleep and ruining my mornings.

CK- you eat junk - I stopped eating junk about 8 months ago. I carry lunch from home and i eat sparingly outside.

CK - you need to stop drinking - i havent had a decent drinking session in over 3 months. It hasn't helped.

CK - you have taxed your system way too much, give your body some time to rest. I had jaundice recently - and i have been given it enough rest - ever since.

Here is the scary part folks - i knew this day would come, sure, a body gets old, the organs start to deteriorate and you will ultimately lose its peak performance. But i am FREAKING 23 - so the question that comes to mind is, what happens when i hit 40? Followed by the next question - Will i hit 40?

Questions that are currently left unanswered - an enigma that has to be solved, but right now the question is a step forward. I would like to get it answered to spread it as a cautionary tail to stop young people from throwing away their lives like i did.

I have to mention though, i had fun. We ate what we wanted to, when we wanted to, if we wanted to. Drink the dirtiest water, eat still worse food - white meat, red meat, strange meat - assortment of cheeses, wine, beer, whisky, rum - all kinds and all qualities. But should the party end here?

We shall wait and see....at least i know what a 40 year old goes through....and boy is it tough!

Five stages of FAT

Here today i can clearly say,

without much reserve or dismay,

let the cows moo and the horses neigh,

the rat will scurry as he runs from the cat,

and oh yes!,i am fat.

There was a time though, not long ago,

when i would shout out loud and crow,

nay! i would say, "i am but big boned,

all muscle, that's me! , not a shred of fat's been stored"

How you ask did i make it from there to here,?

that's the purpose of this poem my dear,

For just like death, you need to come to term,

with stages many, it takes to learn,

Five there are, all in a nice mince,

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

and

Acceptance

Denial's the first one, we all are aware,

we can't see why people have to stand and stare,

"It's just my belly! i will have you know!,

So what if it is in a pin code of its own"

For the life of us we can't surmise,

why stores don't have clothes in our size,?

In trains there are, a sea of dirty faces,

as if to say "Your getting up, will clear at least three spaces"

Oh! then comes Anger red and hot!

"What did get me, to this spot?"

Mom's food coupled with street fare,

the root cause of all our despair

We scold ourselves day and night,

not even in our sleep do we have respite,

Things must change, this will not do,

i will drop this burger & ask for soup.

This follows exercise and calorie burning,

bringing us straight up to bargaining,

then the mind starts playing tricks,

throw in a doting mother into the mix

"You look good son , you've lost some weight?"

On goes the Dal Fry on my plate.

People in office are also to blame,

they see some change and tell you the same,

So off goes the diet, and you take a break,

why not indulge ?, have a slice of cake

A week of this, goes by in a daze,

you happily set yourself on the scales,

the blinders are off, you see a vision,

then comes on, a deep depression

"Why bother you ask?", i am going to be fat,

life is unfair, cruel, and all that,

Sit around your house, with a straw in a coke,

you gain some more, diet's up in smoke

Days of sleep walking and wide awake nights,

something inside you switches on the lights,

Being fat is ain't all that bad,

your healthy, and good times you have had,

People like you, for you are a gem of a person,

they will love you, in any sort of version,

That is my tale, told in a Zap,

the beautiful, Five stages of Fat

-

Chennakeshav Shenoy

Life is quite simple

Life isn't as complicated as we make it to be,

There be words, that which make it beautiful and compelling,

Magic in their punctuations, and in the spelling,

Letting go of control seems to be the key.

Ever see a man down on his luck crying out to you,

"Wish i would have played my cards right, surer and bolder,

then i wouldn't have to sit here on the street, with the days growing colder,"?

'Tis funny how people want to live their life anew.

This gift is not for sycophancy or introspections best,

You only mock it, while trying to give it meaning,

There is nothing more to it, than living it big.

If there is anything this seems to be the test,

Which one of us has plenty of intentions never weaning,

Have as much of fun as he can have before the great dig.

Chennakeshav Shenoy

For the uninitiated this is a Petrarchian sonnet - not your usual, run of the mill poem. Tell me what you think, dying to know.

In a sticky conundrum

Long long time ago, a fable was related to me. An old aunt was explaining why a man should never waste his time with a woman his own age.

"Arre the ideologies don't match, the states of mind are different. It takes a man a while to get his bearings right, but a woman is always 5 years ahead. So to be happy, a man should always find a woman who is younger than him. This is the truth Chennakeshav, live by it"

I honestly didn't buy this logic, particularly because i was 17 when i was given this secret and the women would be 12 years old - Gross - right.

I went about my life, hitting on girls my age, and older in some cases. Struck out for the next five years, each an every time. Guess what i found out in that time, most of those girls were either already hitched, or in the process of being hitched to a guy senior to them by at least 4 - 5 years.

So after five years, now i am actually in the situation to hit on these women and not be called a pervert right?

WRONG - I still think this is not the way to go about it. I mean these girls are five whole years younger than me right? They are young man, kids really.... So if i hit on them i will feel like a big pervert. Society probably does not shun it, but i would like to stay away from this.

Then again, thats what everybody is doing, so whether i like it or not - this probably is the way it goes. This is my sticky conundrum......

Oh, to be truly honest with you, i think that i am scared of hitting on these women, lest i strike out again....to kids.....what a blow to an already battered self esteem.

You know what i am saying.