The dark red flame of the cigarette becomes a bright yellow as i drag air through it. Burning tar and tobacco pass through my wind pipe and enter my lungs. Immediately i can feel the tobacco effect me, the brain cells start to die and i dont think as much. The thoughts start to die and i can focus on everything and nothing.
The smoke starts its ascent out of my body like a bird escaping its coop. Out it comes in a billow just releasing itself to the air around it. Some of it blows out in a small simple trail. I hang on to the rest for a while and then let it out as smoke rings.
I ve been struggling on my story, i cant write it. The words are not flowing out of me today. The smoke is just a diversion for me, because i know that it solves nothing for me. Delusional people might accredit smoking to some higher state of clarity and more controlled state of mind.
Why do i smoke? because i think its cool. If that were true then i would be smoking in front of everybody just to gain their approval to feel a part of a gang. No , thats not me , in fact i am ashamed of the fact that i kill my own body each day with every puff of the white knight.
My brain gives me all the logical reasons why i should quit it, why i should not be doing it. The harmful diseases, cancer, secondary smoke being harmful to others. All of those reasons and more. But why can i not stop being addicted to this.
Are we all victims of our own habits, or are we guilty of keeping and nurturing these habits. How about a man who is madly and deeply addicted to a woman, she is using him and manipulating him. Isnt that an unhealthy addiction. What about addiction to the television or the addiction to porn. These addictions dont necessarily have any direct health risks, but then there is the risk of mental health.
Alcoholism, Narcotics abuse and Smoking are the three leading addictions in this world, which have groups and even programs, methods to get off of them. Doesnt it boggle your mind that there are so many addictions besides the big 3 and yet we have not a word on them.
Makes you think that maybe these 3 addictions were marketed well, they were portrayed as life ruiners, marriage breakers and of course social evils.
Better yet i think that its easier for us to throw money at something, you know buying self help books or rehab or even therapy to get rid of these addictions than deal with the more deeper psychological reasons why these addictions exist in the first place.
Face it nobody wants to have alcohol and get drunk because he is happy, no guy with lots of friends and a good home life with loving parents wants to be high all day on weed or hash. Well adjusted people with high self esteem dont smoke, and another specie that smokes the terminally stressed. This is a funny bunch they claim that smoking reduces stress, when there is enough scientific evidence to suggest the contrary. All our addictions are symptoms of something deeper and larger gone amiss.
The last drag, the lips become extremely hot as the bud warms up. The smoke goes in and you let it out. The bud is pressed into the ashtray with fury and clinical precision. Embers of the still burning tip emanate from the tray. Hey i was merely thinking
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I am done with this!
Enough is enough and its a time for a change!
Do you ever see yourself say this sometimes?Its a fairly common phrase for me and i am actually quite tired at my frequent use of it.
Its different for different people, some get duped, some get fooled by their peers way too often. Others expect too much from their significant others, and yet others expect change in their beloved cricket team.
It is a hue and cry over a situation which truly they cant do anything about. Why do i say that? well to think that someone who actually says this has been in this situation before and since he has been there before and was there again, it was something beyond the purview of his or her control wasn there.
For me personally is this pursuit for a girl that i might eventually fall in love with. Some one who might make me feel less like a stranger in this here universe of ours.
I wake up every morning, wash up, get dressed and go to my bus stop. Across the street, i see a girl standing at the bus stop there. I have seen this girl nearly everyday for about the last three years. In all those years i have never made a move. Not enough cojones for that, no!
Get on to my bus and get to work, there i see these colleagues of mine, men and women. I notice the women a lot more, because i am looking for my prospective girlfriend. And every now and then i gather my balls and speak to a new girl. Probably get to know her a little, and have the guts to ask her out for a cup of coffee.
Days would pass by, and then probably some weeks, all the while i will probably fantasize about the woman i have been seeing. The thing would gain more and more ground in my brain.
Finally it will happen, its a pattern, just when i get to the point to work up the coxcy to actually ask her to formally see me. She would interrupt, lean over, grab hold of both of my hands and say.
"I love to talk to you. you are such a nice guy, you are the friend that i have always wanted. I can depend on you, But i can never date you, our friendship is too important for me"
I would probably sit there smiling, nodding away, the minutes would seem as agonizing hours. Universe would seem like it has stopped for a second and taken time off to laugh at me. Just absorb the pleasure of my own personal pity theater, where i am standing bare naked in front of the whole audience, just waiting for the curtains to come down.
Walk around the office, just whiling away my time, all the while avoiding my 'good' friend. Take the bus back home. Lie awake in bed till three in the morning , just saying to myself "enough is enough, its time for a change"
Wake up the next morning, stand at my bus stop and wonder when i would have the balls to go up to the girl at the opposite bus stop. NOTHING CHANGES
Do you ever see yourself say this sometimes?Its a fairly common phrase for me and i am actually quite tired at my frequent use of it.
Its different for different people, some get duped, some get fooled by their peers way too often. Others expect too much from their significant others, and yet others expect change in their beloved cricket team.
It is a hue and cry over a situation which truly they cant do anything about. Why do i say that? well to think that someone who actually says this has been in this situation before and since he has been there before and was there again, it was something beyond the purview of his or her control wasn there.
For me personally is this pursuit for a girl that i might eventually fall in love with. Some one who might make me feel less like a stranger in this here universe of ours.
I wake up every morning, wash up, get dressed and go to my bus stop. Across the street, i see a girl standing at the bus stop there. I have seen this girl nearly everyday for about the last three years. In all those years i have never made a move. Not enough cojones for that, no!
Get on to my bus and get to work, there i see these colleagues of mine, men and women. I notice the women a lot more, because i am looking for my prospective girlfriend. And every now and then i gather my balls and speak to a new girl. Probably get to know her a little, and have the guts to ask her out for a cup of coffee.
Days would pass by, and then probably some weeks, all the while i will probably fantasize about the woman i have been seeing. The thing would gain more and more ground in my brain.
Finally it will happen, its a pattern, just when i get to the point to work up the coxcy to actually ask her to formally see me. She would interrupt, lean over, grab hold of both of my hands and say.
"I love to talk to you. you are such a nice guy, you are the friend that i have always wanted. I can depend on you, But i can never date you, our friendship is too important for me"
I would probably sit there smiling, nodding away, the minutes would seem as agonizing hours. Universe would seem like it has stopped for a second and taken time off to laugh at me. Just absorb the pleasure of my own personal pity theater, where i am standing bare naked in front of the whole audience, just waiting for the curtains to come down.
Walk around the office, just whiling away my time, all the while avoiding my 'good' friend. Take the bus back home. Lie awake in bed till three in the morning , just saying to myself "enough is enough, its time for a change"
Wake up the next morning, stand at my bus stop and wonder when i would have the balls to go up to the girl at the opposite bus stop. NOTHING CHANGES
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Please stand up for the National Anthem
If you have been to a theater recently, you have seen these lines flash across the screen. A reminder to you to stand up straight, in attention and listen to our nations anthem
Why do i mention this you ask? it is because in these few seconds i see a whole sea of people stand up at complete attention and respect for our nations flag.
When is it that we do something as a group of people? Caste no bar, Sex no bar, class no bar, financial condition no bar. Everybody without a word stands up and does his duty.
It may not be the hardest thing one has to do, nor anything very substantial in the service of the country, but its a start. Ive seen faces in the crowd, that do not appreciate being asked to stand up like that, and made to stand at attention for a full 52 seconds Yet there are no complainers among them, they are just like any other people doing what they are told.
Some of the people sing along and often goof up the words, they are instantly transported back to their school days where they used to sing it standing in their schools assembly hall or playground.
You go to the theater for entertainment and you get a healthy dose of patriotism. Initially i didnt like that we were forced to gulp down the patriotism pill, but then like a child i had not realised that this would give a jolt to my system and make me feel great.
In that darkened auditorium, i cant see the faces of the hundreds of people standing at attention. I cant make out if who they are or where they are from, what they do for a living or even what it is they will do after the show.
All i know is that all of us are indians, together, at that moment, just Indians.
Why do i mention this you ask? it is because in these few seconds i see a whole sea of people stand up at complete attention and respect for our nations flag.
When is it that we do something as a group of people? Caste no bar, Sex no bar, class no bar, financial condition no bar. Everybody without a word stands up and does his duty.
It may not be the hardest thing one has to do, nor anything very substantial in the service of the country, but its a start. Ive seen faces in the crowd, that do not appreciate being asked to stand up like that, and made to stand at attention for a full 52 seconds Yet there are no complainers among them, they are just like any other people doing what they are told.
Some of the people sing along and often goof up the words, they are instantly transported back to their school days where they used to sing it standing in their schools assembly hall or playground.
You go to the theater for entertainment and you get a healthy dose of patriotism. Initially i didnt like that we were forced to gulp down the patriotism pill, but then like a child i had not realised that this would give a jolt to my system and make me feel great.
In that darkened auditorium, i cant see the faces of the hundreds of people standing at attention. I cant make out if who they are or where they are from, what they do for a living or even what it is they will do after the show.
All i know is that all of us are indians, together, at that moment, just Indians.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Reality TV
Amazing how people sit around
never take life by its throat,
They think it cool to watch reality shows,
for them that’s as real as it comes
They could be adventurous
ride a bull
but prefer to watch a pro
They fear they might hurt themselves,
and not get to watch some more
For some its fear of commitment,
and wont of the passionate fire
But they love it as entertainment,
watching the bloom of someone else’s desire
Talent hunts are wonderful,
singers are found not made
He knows he too can sing well,
but he keeps that in his head
He feels that he isn’t good enough,
not for the telly he is sure
If he is ever forced to it,
you might ask for an encore
Television is good I think,
when it comes to the news
When it comes to reality shows,
shut up! Just hand me the noose
Travel shows are great if they inspire,
to get you on your feet
its awful if it makes you wonder
"I have seen it! Lets not get off our seat"
What's worse is its catching on,
every body is doing it
When people get back from the john
They want to know what happened while they were taking a shit
Osbourne was always mad
If that was what you wanted to say
I am told it’s now a fad
To figure out what next Ozzy will bray
I am sick of it I tell you
I hope that it dies soon
My sister watches Growing up Gotti
And I miss the match every Saturday afternoon
Chennakeshav Shenoy
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