Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Comfortably Numb
The air is crisp in my nostrils, the sweet smell of August fills my lungs. The rain has become an unwelcome guest, lovely at first but one who has overstayed the welcome. The wet mud and dirt soils my clothes, i endure it all, as if i am indifferent to the pain.
Long hours of work and lack of nourishing food is taking a toll on my body, all i can think of is my responsibilities. The nagging devil tugs at my elbow and beckons me to take a break, the idea is tempting, but i have worked too hard to let it all go to waste.
The legs are weak from lack of rest, the body wants to keep going but the legs give out. The flailing body falls in a singular motion, as if it was a twig landing on the soft cold soil in poetic slow motion. The crash on the floor gives everyone around me a shock, and all i have is a smug smile on my face. There were loud random calling of my name, but what did it matter if it was me who fell or the Pope, it was all the same to anyone.
Suddenly i have become a sad pathetic spectacle, a freak to behold, a weak insignificant drone, who does his masters bidding. Not everyone knows who i am , but only a few have seen me ever at work and even fewer still know my name. Their wide open eyes and gaping mouth tells a tale of surpirse,fear, and the worst expression of them all - Sympathy.
They just stand there, wondering what is to be done. Not accustomed to weakness, they fall prey to helplessness, because they lack the knowledge of the next step. The grin on my face is wider now, their visages become horrified still. Who can blame them? i was clearly not in pain as i was laughing.
Why was i laughing? what was it about the situation that i contrived as amusing?
My colleauges and their general apathy towards me, personal disrespect to my body, or was it that i just did not give a hoot about anything anymore. There was nothing more to do but smile.
After ages i had felt Happy. Folks i cannot explain this in words, because it would be like trying to explain the beauty of a sunset. In that brief moment in time, i did not exist. I had no attachements, no fear, no joy, no pain , no family, no friends, no hunger or indigestion.
I was just me, a plain canvass not to be disturbed by any stroke of feeling or thought.
They were sprinkling water on me now, it tasted sweet to me, sweeter than a day in February when everything is as nice as it can be. The downside was that i could feel again, i could feel the cold water on my skin.
Why couldnt they leave me alone, let me be, Comfortably Numb!
Long hours of work and lack of nourishing food is taking a toll on my body, all i can think of is my responsibilities. The nagging devil tugs at my elbow and beckons me to take a break, the idea is tempting, but i have worked too hard to let it all go to waste.
The legs are weak from lack of rest, the body wants to keep going but the legs give out. The flailing body falls in a singular motion, as if it was a twig landing on the soft cold soil in poetic slow motion. The crash on the floor gives everyone around me a shock, and all i have is a smug smile on my face. There were loud random calling of my name, but what did it matter if it was me who fell or the Pope, it was all the same to anyone.
Suddenly i have become a sad pathetic spectacle, a freak to behold, a weak insignificant drone, who does his masters bidding. Not everyone knows who i am , but only a few have seen me ever at work and even fewer still know my name. Their wide open eyes and gaping mouth tells a tale of surpirse,fear, and the worst expression of them all - Sympathy.
They just stand there, wondering what is to be done. Not accustomed to weakness, they fall prey to helplessness, because they lack the knowledge of the next step. The grin on my face is wider now, their visages become horrified still. Who can blame them? i was clearly not in pain as i was laughing.
Why was i laughing? what was it about the situation that i contrived as amusing?
My colleauges and their general apathy towards me, personal disrespect to my body, or was it that i just did not give a hoot about anything anymore. There was nothing more to do but smile.
After ages i had felt Happy. Folks i cannot explain this in words, because it would be like trying to explain the beauty of a sunset. In that brief moment in time, i did not exist. I had no attachements, no fear, no joy, no pain , no family, no friends, no hunger or indigestion.
I was just me, a plain canvass not to be disturbed by any stroke of feeling or thought.
They were sprinkling water on me now, it tasted sweet to me, sweeter than a day in February when everything is as nice as it can be. The downside was that i could feel again, i could feel the cold water on my skin.
Why couldnt they leave me alone, let me be, Comfortably Numb!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Just thinking.....
The dark red flame of the cigarette becomes a bright yellow as i drag air through it. Burning tar and tobacco pass through my wind pipe and enter my lungs. Immediately i can feel the tobacco effect me, the brain cells start to die and i dont think as much. The thoughts start to die and i can focus on everything and nothing.
The smoke starts its ascent out of my body like a bird escaping its coop. Out it comes in a billow just releasing itself to the air around it. Some of it blows out in a small simple trail. I hang on to the rest for a while and then let it out as smoke rings.
I ve been struggling on my story, i cant write it. The words are not flowing out of me today. The smoke is just a diversion for me, because i know that it solves nothing for me. Delusional people might accredit smoking to some higher state of clarity and more controlled state of mind.
Why do i smoke? because i think its cool. If that were true then i would be smoking in front of everybody just to gain their approval to feel a part of a gang. No , thats not me , in fact i am ashamed of the fact that i kill my own body each day with every puff of the white knight.
My brain gives me all the logical reasons why i should quit it, why i should not be doing it. The harmful diseases, cancer, secondary smoke being harmful to others. All of those reasons and more. But why can i not stop being addicted to this.
Are we all victims of our own habits, or are we guilty of keeping and nurturing these habits. How about a man who is madly and deeply addicted to a woman, she is using him and manipulating him. Isnt that an unhealthy addiction. What about addiction to the television or the addiction to porn. These addictions dont necessarily have any direct health risks, but then there is the risk of mental health.
Alcoholism, Narcotics abuse and Smoking are the three leading addictions in this world, which have groups and even programs, methods to get off of them. Doesnt it boggle your mind that there are so many addictions besides the big 3 and yet we have not a word on them.
Makes you think that maybe these 3 addictions were marketed well, they were portrayed as life ruiners, marriage breakers and of course social evils.
Better yet i think that its easier for us to throw money at something, you know buying self help books or rehab or even therapy to get rid of these addictions than deal with the more deeper psychological reasons why these addictions exist in the first place.
Face it nobody wants to have alcohol and get drunk because he is happy, no guy with lots of friends and a good home life with loving parents wants to be high all day on weed or hash. Well adjusted people with high self esteem dont smoke, and another specie that smokes the terminally stressed. This is a funny bunch they claim that smoking reduces stress, when there is enough scientific evidence to suggest the contrary. All our addictions are symptoms of something deeper and larger gone amiss.
The last drag, the lips become extremely hot as the bud warms up. The smoke goes in and you let it out. The bud is pressed into the ashtray with fury and clinical precision. Embers of the still burning tip emanate from the tray. Hey i was merely thinking
The smoke starts its ascent out of my body like a bird escaping its coop. Out it comes in a billow just releasing itself to the air around it. Some of it blows out in a small simple trail. I hang on to the rest for a while and then let it out as smoke rings.
I ve been struggling on my story, i cant write it. The words are not flowing out of me today. The smoke is just a diversion for me, because i know that it solves nothing for me. Delusional people might accredit smoking to some higher state of clarity and more controlled state of mind.
Why do i smoke? because i think its cool. If that were true then i would be smoking in front of everybody just to gain their approval to feel a part of a gang. No , thats not me , in fact i am ashamed of the fact that i kill my own body each day with every puff of the white knight.
My brain gives me all the logical reasons why i should quit it, why i should not be doing it. The harmful diseases, cancer, secondary smoke being harmful to others. All of those reasons and more. But why can i not stop being addicted to this.
Are we all victims of our own habits, or are we guilty of keeping and nurturing these habits. How about a man who is madly and deeply addicted to a woman, she is using him and manipulating him. Isnt that an unhealthy addiction. What about addiction to the television or the addiction to porn. These addictions dont necessarily have any direct health risks, but then there is the risk of mental health.
Alcoholism, Narcotics abuse and Smoking are the three leading addictions in this world, which have groups and even programs, methods to get off of them. Doesnt it boggle your mind that there are so many addictions besides the big 3 and yet we have not a word on them.
Makes you think that maybe these 3 addictions were marketed well, they were portrayed as life ruiners, marriage breakers and of course social evils.
Better yet i think that its easier for us to throw money at something, you know buying self help books or rehab or even therapy to get rid of these addictions than deal with the more deeper psychological reasons why these addictions exist in the first place.
Face it nobody wants to have alcohol and get drunk because he is happy, no guy with lots of friends and a good home life with loving parents wants to be high all day on weed or hash. Well adjusted people with high self esteem dont smoke, and another specie that smokes the terminally stressed. This is a funny bunch they claim that smoking reduces stress, when there is enough scientific evidence to suggest the contrary. All our addictions are symptoms of something deeper and larger gone amiss.
The last drag, the lips become extremely hot as the bud warms up. The smoke goes in and you let it out. The bud is pressed into the ashtray with fury and clinical precision. Embers of the still burning tip emanate from the tray. Hey i was merely thinking
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I am done with this!
Enough is enough and its a time for a change!
Do you ever see yourself say this sometimes?Its a fairly common phrase for me and i am actually quite tired at my frequent use of it.
Its different for different people, some get duped, some get fooled by their peers way too often. Others expect too much from their significant others, and yet others expect change in their beloved cricket team.
It is a hue and cry over a situation which truly they cant do anything about. Why do i say that? well to think that someone who actually says this has been in this situation before and since he has been there before and was there again, it was something beyond the purview of his or her control wasn there.
For me personally is this pursuit for a girl that i might eventually fall in love with. Some one who might make me feel less like a stranger in this here universe of ours.
I wake up every morning, wash up, get dressed and go to my bus stop. Across the street, i see a girl standing at the bus stop there. I have seen this girl nearly everyday for about the last three years. In all those years i have never made a move. Not enough cojones for that, no!
Get on to my bus and get to work, there i see these colleagues of mine, men and women. I notice the women a lot more, because i am looking for my prospective girlfriend. And every now and then i gather my balls and speak to a new girl. Probably get to know her a little, and have the guts to ask her out for a cup of coffee.
Days would pass by, and then probably some weeks, all the while i will probably fantasize about the woman i have been seeing. The thing would gain more and more ground in my brain.
Finally it will happen, its a pattern, just when i get to the point to work up the coxcy to actually ask her to formally see me. She would interrupt, lean over, grab hold of both of my hands and say.
"I love to talk to you. you are such a nice guy, you are the friend that i have always wanted. I can depend on you, But i can never date you, our friendship is too important for me"
I would probably sit there smiling, nodding away, the minutes would seem as agonizing hours. Universe would seem like it has stopped for a second and taken time off to laugh at me. Just absorb the pleasure of my own personal pity theater, where i am standing bare naked in front of the whole audience, just waiting for the curtains to come down.
Walk around the office, just whiling away my time, all the while avoiding my 'good' friend. Take the bus back home. Lie awake in bed till three in the morning , just saying to myself "enough is enough, its time for a change"
Wake up the next morning, stand at my bus stop and wonder when i would have the balls to go up to the girl at the opposite bus stop. NOTHING CHANGES
Do you ever see yourself say this sometimes?Its a fairly common phrase for me and i am actually quite tired at my frequent use of it.
Its different for different people, some get duped, some get fooled by their peers way too often. Others expect too much from their significant others, and yet others expect change in their beloved cricket team.
It is a hue and cry over a situation which truly they cant do anything about. Why do i say that? well to think that someone who actually says this has been in this situation before and since he has been there before and was there again, it was something beyond the purview of his or her control wasn there.
For me personally is this pursuit for a girl that i might eventually fall in love with. Some one who might make me feel less like a stranger in this here universe of ours.
I wake up every morning, wash up, get dressed and go to my bus stop. Across the street, i see a girl standing at the bus stop there. I have seen this girl nearly everyday for about the last three years. In all those years i have never made a move. Not enough cojones for that, no!
Get on to my bus and get to work, there i see these colleagues of mine, men and women. I notice the women a lot more, because i am looking for my prospective girlfriend. And every now and then i gather my balls and speak to a new girl. Probably get to know her a little, and have the guts to ask her out for a cup of coffee.
Days would pass by, and then probably some weeks, all the while i will probably fantasize about the woman i have been seeing. The thing would gain more and more ground in my brain.
Finally it will happen, its a pattern, just when i get to the point to work up the coxcy to actually ask her to formally see me. She would interrupt, lean over, grab hold of both of my hands and say.
"I love to talk to you. you are such a nice guy, you are the friend that i have always wanted. I can depend on you, But i can never date you, our friendship is too important for me"
I would probably sit there smiling, nodding away, the minutes would seem as agonizing hours. Universe would seem like it has stopped for a second and taken time off to laugh at me. Just absorb the pleasure of my own personal pity theater, where i am standing bare naked in front of the whole audience, just waiting for the curtains to come down.
Walk around the office, just whiling away my time, all the while avoiding my 'good' friend. Take the bus back home. Lie awake in bed till three in the morning , just saying to myself "enough is enough, its time for a change"
Wake up the next morning, stand at my bus stop and wonder when i would have the balls to go up to the girl at the opposite bus stop. NOTHING CHANGES
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Please stand up for the National Anthem
If you have been to a theater recently, you have seen these lines flash across the screen. A reminder to you to stand up straight, in attention and listen to our nations anthem
Why do i mention this you ask? it is because in these few seconds i see a whole sea of people stand up at complete attention and respect for our nations flag.
When is it that we do something as a group of people? Caste no bar, Sex no bar, class no bar, financial condition no bar. Everybody without a word stands up and does his duty.
It may not be the hardest thing one has to do, nor anything very substantial in the service of the country, but its a start. Ive seen faces in the crowd, that do not appreciate being asked to stand up like that, and made to stand at attention for a full 52 seconds Yet there are no complainers among them, they are just like any other people doing what they are told.
Some of the people sing along and often goof up the words, they are instantly transported back to their school days where they used to sing it standing in their schools assembly hall or playground.
You go to the theater for entertainment and you get a healthy dose of patriotism. Initially i didnt like that we were forced to gulp down the patriotism pill, but then like a child i had not realised that this would give a jolt to my system and make me feel great.
In that darkened auditorium, i cant see the faces of the hundreds of people standing at attention. I cant make out if who they are or where they are from, what they do for a living or even what it is they will do after the show.
All i know is that all of us are indians, together, at that moment, just Indians.
Why do i mention this you ask? it is because in these few seconds i see a whole sea of people stand up at complete attention and respect for our nations flag.
When is it that we do something as a group of people? Caste no bar, Sex no bar, class no bar, financial condition no bar. Everybody without a word stands up and does his duty.
It may not be the hardest thing one has to do, nor anything very substantial in the service of the country, but its a start. Ive seen faces in the crowd, that do not appreciate being asked to stand up like that, and made to stand at attention for a full 52 seconds Yet there are no complainers among them, they are just like any other people doing what they are told.
Some of the people sing along and often goof up the words, they are instantly transported back to their school days where they used to sing it standing in their schools assembly hall or playground.
You go to the theater for entertainment and you get a healthy dose of patriotism. Initially i didnt like that we were forced to gulp down the patriotism pill, but then like a child i had not realised that this would give a jolt to my system and make me feel great.
In that darkened auditorium, i cant see the faces of the hundreds of people standing at attention. I cant make out if who they are or where they are from, what they do for a living or even what it is they will do after the show.
All i know is that all of us are indians, together, at that moment, just Indians.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Reality TV
Amazing how people sit around
never take life by its throat,
They think it cool to watch reality shows,
for them that’s as real as it comes
They could be adventurous
ride a bull
but prefer to watch a pro
They fear they might hurt themselves,
and not get to watch some more
For some its fear of commitment,
and wont of the passionate fire
But they love it as entertainment,
watching the bloom of someone else’s desire
Talent hunts are wonderful,
singers are found not made
He knows he too can sing well,
but he keeps that in his head
He feels that he isn’t good enough,
not for the telly he is sure
If he is ever forced to it,
you might ask for an encore
Television is good I think,
when it comes to the news
When it comes to reality shows,
shut up! Just hand me the noose
Travel shows are great if they inspire,
to get you on your feet
its awful if it makes you wonder
"I have seen it! Lets not get off our seat"
What's worse is its catching on,
every body is doing it
When people get back from the john
They want to know what happened while they were taking a shit
Osbourne was always mad
If that was what you wanted to say
I am told it’s now a fad
To figure out what next Ozzy will bray
I am sick of it I tell you
I hope that it dies soon
My sister watches Growing up Gotti
And I miss the match every Saturday afternoon
Chennakeshav Shenoy
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Good times
Purposeful movements bring us nothing but agony when our plans inevitably fall flat on their ass. We set ourselves up for disappointment time and time again. In the end we are all left with a couple of times when our wild ventures and calculations hit the mark, the good times we call them
We are like compulsive gamblers in the casino of life. Sensible thought tells us that the house always wins and that we are doomed to just give up all our money to them, yet like any compulsive gambler we are sure our 'system' will help us break the bank.
And why not? i ask why should we not place our chips on red 21 and go for the big one. Why should we constantly back the sure fire win and hope to god that it works.
Sheep, thats the symbolic comparison in the bible for people. I think there is more to it than the fact that Jesus is supposed to be a shepherd guiding us to heaven. We are supposed to be sheep , in that we are supposed to be clueless cattle without a chance at anything good anything glorious. Go through the casino sheepishly hoping to find a slot machine in the quiet corner. Only to meander towards the high rollers poker game once in a while to see how the big people do it. We love to see a sheep make it to the high rollers table and wonder how he did it, never do we wonder why we cant do the same.
Good times are like a crash in a stock car race, blink and you've missed it. Fleeting memories of the good times are colored over every time we review it. Making an ordinary patch of time into something golden, more exquisite.
Without good times we have nothing to look forward to. we have nothing to wish for, nothing to aspire to.
Sheep become a wolf, cause we want more than grass!
We are like compulsive gamblers in the casino of life. Sensible thought tells us that the house always wins and that we are doomed to just give up all our money to them, yet like any compulsive gambler we are sure our 'system' will help us break the bank.
And why not? i ask why should we not place our chips on red 21 and go for the big one. Why should we constantly back the sure fire win and hope to god that it works.
Sheep, thats the symbolic comparison in the bible for people. I think there is more to it than the fact that Jesus is supposed to be a shepherd guiding us to heaven. We are supposed to be sheep , in that we are supposed to be clueless cattle without a chance at anything good anything glorious. Go through the casino sheepishly hoping to find a slot machine in the quiet corner. Only to meander towards the high rollers poker game once in a while to see how the big people do it. We love to see a sheep make it to the high rollers table and wonder how he did it, never do we wonder why we cant do the same.
Good times are like a crash in a stock car race, blink and you've missed it. Fleeting memories of the good times are colored over every time we review it. Making an ordinary patch of time into something golden, more exquisite.
Without good times we have nothing to look forward to. we have nothing to wish for, nothing to aspire to.
Sheep become a wolf, cause we want more than grass!
Saturday, March 31, 2007
November of Life
Time is on our hands we think
As we wake up in the morning
Not knowing that everyday we sink
Another day just in the offing
Nothing makes us stop and wonder
How long do we have left?
Then the day grows colder
Our conscious has been our theft
A minute passes by and you are fifty
Your body is old and weak
You sit and cry on the days spent nifty
Those days were but your peak
Hope these words have found you early
Not late I hope to effect some change
But if they haven’t then I am most sorry
As I am sure there are tears at the end of this page
Chennakeshav Shenoy
As we wake up in the morning
Not knowing that everyday we sink
Another day just in the offing
Nothing makes us stop and wonder
How long do we have left?
Then the day grows colder
Our conscious has been our theft
A minute passes by and you are fifty
Your body is old and weak
You sit and cry on the days spent nifty
Those days were but your peak
Hope these words have found you early
Not late I hope to effect some change
But if they haven’t then I am most sorry
As I am sure there are tears at the end of this page
Chennakeshav Shenoy
Another Guy
Smelling like fresh flowers she walked in a trot
my head swelled up with racing thought
cracking a white grin she spoke in a tune
we set a date for next afternoon
The heart was beating many a mile
what i didn't know i was just another guy
Six months now, since we first met
i was a helpless butterfly caught in her net
in all that time we talked of this and that
in so many days i didn't smell the rat
Foolishly thinking that she was mine
sometime soon i was to realise
that i was just another guy
Sipping some coffee on the side of the street
i saw something no sight could beat
she stood there with that familiar smile
looking into the eyes of man dressed in style
the blood was like magma waiting to burst
no coffee could quench this thirst
All this while i couldn't fathom why?
i was just another guy
Pledged myself to erase all the lies
all that my heart had dreamed..why?
cursed the gods and the fluttering boy
and me being a fool who had jumped in joy
All my hopes lay dying lie
as i was just another guy
She picked up the phone and gave me a ring
i answered the call and felt the sweet sting
she tells me about the beach and the song
which she had heard all night long
A solitary tear moves across my face
the eyes staring into cold dark space
mouth tensed shaping into a pathetic smile
i am just another guy!
my head swelled up with racing thought
cracking a white grin she spoke in a tune
we set a date for next afternoon
The heart was beating many a mile
what i didn't know i was just another guy
Six months now, since we first met
i was a helpless butterfly caught in her net
in all that time we talked of this and that
in so many days i didn't smell the rat
Foolishly thinking that she was mine
sometime soon i was to realise
that i was just another guy
Sipping some coffee on the side of the street
i saw something no sight could beat
she stood there with that familiar smile
looking into the eyes of man dressed in style
the blood was like magma waiting to burst
no coffee could quench this thirst
All this while i couldn't fathom why?
i was just another guy
Pledged myself to erase all the lies
all that my heart had dreamed..why?
cursed the gods and the fluttering boy
and me being a fool who had jumped in joy
All my hopes lay dying lie
as i was just another guy
She picked up the phone and gave me a ring
i answered the call and felt the sweet sting
she tells me about the beach and the song
which she had heard all night long
A solitary tear moves across my face
the eyes staring into cold dark space
mouth tensed shaping into a pathetic smile
i am just another guy!
Chennakeshav Shenoy
Sunday, March 11, 2007
The F word
We throw it around…without a thought or judgement it’s a random blurt from our mouth, an instantaneous chemical reaction which prompts us to say the word, I positively abhor the it ….Friendship.
As a child I was a very introverted person and as a result a very lonely kid. Time moved on and I grew up I learnt that making friends was a natural thing. Slowly the making friends becomes a popularity contest and you seem to be in the midst of a tense political game which doesn’t seem to end ever again.
Man isn’t an island they say, and that he has to socialize and live with people and interact with them. Sometimes I wonder how much of this interaction is a bloody necessity and how much of it is because we want to. Is friendship a requisite for living in society or is it a tool that we use to further our lives.
In this time of such confusion we are looking for that person who understands us, who we can take our hardships to and is a ready crying shoulder. Someone we lend our hand to, in their dire time of need. The question is how thin is the line between the people we know and the people we love.
Friendship is a lot of things, sometimes it is that guy we know from our college who attends the same lectures we do and we sit together. Sometimes it’s the person we meet in the train everyday and we lend our paper to. The person who we cant go to sleep without calling or the girl that we know can never be ours and yet we want her around so we call her a friend. Sometimes it is the man we know who can get work done for us and we keep him around to split the bill with us.
Don’t you think that because there are so many definitions of the word, that the essence is being tarnished, The meaning is lost in translation from person to person. I like to call it the F word, because it has become dirtier than the word FUCK and its use has become as insulting if not more.
The harsh reality that we all keep fighting is that there is no such thing as a friend, a person who isn’t a blood relative, yet who is around for us. The fact is that we cannot invest in someone who we don’t consider our own, the word in a sense keeps the person away from us metaphorically and physically.
I know one thing that I have had my share of FRIENDS and I would rather not have anymore. What I want now are people whose relationship is thick as blood. Call me cynical but I don’t think I will meet any such people. Till then if I am an island I will make the most of it, I want to be
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Things that we hear.....
How often is it that we hear something or read something and instantly feel that it makes perfect sense? Well for me it’s a very rare occasion and when it does happen I am compelled to think more about it. Call it a force of habit or mindless ignorance but its there.
“Don’t make someone a priority in your life,
When you know that you are an option in theirs”
These words are so profound; insightful even, they made me really put things into perspective. Let me be the first to admit that I am not instantly brought to heights of emotional upheavals but this line really made my heart overflow with a lot of feelings at the same time.
Anger- at myself because I never gave this a thought and was fixated with a woman who clearly doesn’t think of me with the same admiration and love that I have for her.
Frustration- knowing that even armed with this revelation I wasn’t going to love her any less, and that my feelings for her were not going to be changing any time soon.
Contempt- I was feeling sick to my stomach knowing that I had somehow chosen to fall in this well of inequity trying to prove to myself that I can fail and setting myself up for disappointment once again.
Laughter- I had to face what a funny predicament I was in, the woman that I loved probably was hanging me by a thread and was playing with my emotions hey its true and its really funny. We love another persons misery don’t we so why not enjoy my own.
Elation – the fact that I know this now means that the realization is going to start picking on my head like an ice pick on an ice berg. Eventually I will come to the conclusion that I am doomed and I will pick up the pieces and move on to greener pastures.
Here I would like to thank my dear friends Toshal and Puneet who thought of me instantly as they got their hands on this particular statement. I don’t know how many people have pinned their hopes as I have on other people to bring them happiness. The bitter truth is that we might not get it but its nice to dream isn’t it well nightmares can wake you up abruptly people so lets get out of the dream while it is sweet and move on with our lives. Get of the train before it wrecks.
“Don’t make someone a priority in your life,
When you know that you are an option in theirs”
These words are so profound; insightful even, they made me really put things into perspective. Let me be the first to admit that I am not instantly brought to heights of emotional upheavals but this line really made my heart overflow with a lot of feelings at the same time.
Anger- at myself because I never gave this a thought and was fixated with a woman who clearly doesn’t think of me with the same admiration and love that I have for her.
Frustration- knowing that even armed with this revelation I wasn’t going to love her any less, and that my feelings for her were not going to be changing any time soon.
Contempt- I was feeling sick to my stomach knowing that I had somehow chosen to fall in this well of inequity trying to prove to myself that I can fail and setting myself up for disappointment once again.
Laughter- I had to face what a funny predicament I was in, the woman that I loved probably was hanging me by a thread and was playing with my emotions hey its true and its really funny. We love another persons misery don’t we so why not enjoy my own.
Elation – the fact that I know this now means that the realization is going to start picking on my head like an ice pick on an ice berg. Eventually I will come to the conclusion that I am doomed and I will pick up the pieces and move on to greener pastures.
Here I would like to thank my dear friends Toshal and Puneet who thought of me instantly as they got their hands on this particular statement. I don’t know how many people have pinned their hopes as I have on other people to bring them happiness. The bitter truth is that we might not get it but its nice to dream isn’t it well nightmares can wake you up abruptly people so lets get out of the dream while it is sweet and move on with our lives. Get of the train before it wrecks.
Nice guys finish last!
What I really don’t understand is this human compulsion this need to be good. Why do we think that if we are respectable, nice and pure we are going to be doing a service to society and looking after the greater good of mankind?
Right from childhood we are conditioned into thinking that being good is not only the right thing it is the only thing. Telling us that we should live honest god fearing lives and never think of harming someone else. To do unto others what we want them to do unto us. Of course once we grow up and open our eyes we realize that in fact no one gives a rats ass about our goodwill and definitely don’t bother about our well being or health.
To be completely honest with you , I don’t write this piece because I am feeling for my fellow nice man, its more of a retrospection than anything else. I have a grudge…its not on any one else other than myself. The grudge is this; I like women…and I am mad at myself for adoring women the way I do.
I love my mother, and I say that with no strings attached, I think its called unconditional love. Over the years I have come to admire my mother, and my respect for her has grown a lot. Herein does lay my misery!
Sigmund Freud says all the relations of a man are based on his relationship with his mother. It is directly related to how he treated his mother. Thus I respect all women with exception of a few. And this I think is a big hole in my being, this I will explain further.
In all my 20 years of life I barely considered myself worthy of a womans love. Maybe it was to do with the fact that I felt I wasn’t good looking enough, or maybe I thought I wasn’t as intellectual as women liked, which later became, maybe I wasn’t dumb enough. Having too little money or having too much money. Basically putting up psychological barriers and then bitching about them.
Until now, until this day…..because it is clear to me now why I couldn’t achieve a woman’s love, laying me at the doorstep of happiness never letting me in. It had nothing to do with any of my numerous shortcomings. The answer lay in Freuds thoughts.
What I had carelessly forgotten to realize or rather I had overlooked was that there was a flipside to Freuds Theory, just like it’s a mothers relationship with her son that decides his relationship with all woman. For a woman it was her relationship with her father which would have the same effect on her social life.
This got me thinking…her I was being the nice decent and honest guy when the truth is that there are very few of me out there. The world is full of jerks who weren’t nice and were genuinely and absolutely self centered.
We cant blame these people, you see when the bullshit about being nice and kind was being taught in moral science class they were wondering how they could go out and play some kind of sport. Or try and get the girl in class to profess her love to him. Most women had fathers who cared for them but were pricks nonetheless who treated their moms like shit and kept them subservient.
So the end result is that women unknowingly are attracted to the jerk, the asshole and the prick. It could be because they know exactly how to treat guys like this. And they can’t stand nice guys for the exact same reason….when someone treats them well, they don’t know how to react.
I realize that a lot of people reading this are going….no!!....this is so not true!!! I expect this more from the females out there, but you have to understand, women are genetically inclined to want a strong macho man in their lives. Sure they ‘say’ that they want a sensitive, caring and loving ‘lady boy’ , but as is the case with most women they don’t know what they want!
What sucks is that nice guys everywhere fall for this line…”I want a man who will understand my feelings and love me for what I am”. This line has made a lot of people turn themselves into soft spoken sensitive guys….me for example. It makes little difference to me that I didn’t find love,,, what I don’t like to see is that a man who acts like a real jerk gets the woman easily and more often than not he will have more on the side.
At times I wish that women will realize that they actually want the gentlemen and are just swayed by hormones…but I know that the truth is that nice and honest guys are the back up plan for most women. Not their priority……by no means.
They say that its good to be decent, nice and genuine….yes ‘they’ want to have all the women.
Right from childhood we are conditioned into thinking that being good is not only the right thing it is the only thing. Telling us that we should live honest god fearing lives and never think of harming someone else. To do unto others what we want them to do unto us. Of course once we grow up and open our eyes we realize that in fact no one gives a rats ass about our goodwill and definitely don’t bother about our well being or health.
To be completely honest with you , I don’t write this piece because I am feeling for my fellow nice man, its more of a retrospection than anything else. I have a grudge…its not on any one else other than myself. The grudge is this; I like women…and I am mad at myself for adoring women the way I do.
I love my mother, and I say that with no strings attached, I think its called unconditional love. Over the years I have come to admire my mother, and my respect for her has grown a lot. Herein does lay my misery!
Sigmund Freud says all the relations of a man are based on his relationship with his mother. It is directly related to how he treated his mother. Thus I respect all women with exception of a few. And this I think is a big hole in my being, this I will explain further.
In all my 20 years of life I barely considered myself worthy of a womans love. Maybe it was to do with the fact that I felt I wasn’t good looking enough, or maybe I thought I wasn’t as intellectual as women liked, which later became, maybe I wasn’t dumb enough. Having too little money or having too much money. Basically putting up psychological barriers and then bitching about them.
Until now, until this day…..because it is clear to me now why I couldn’t achieve a woman’s love, laying me at the doorstep of happiness never letting me in. It had nothing to do with any of my numerous shortcomings. The answer lay in Freuds thoughts.
What I had carelessly forgotten to realize or rather I had overlooked was that there was a flipside to Freuds Theory, just like it’s a mothers relationship with her son that decides his relationship with all woman. For a woman it was her relationship with her father which would have the same effect on her social life.
This got me thinking…her I was being the nice decent and honest guy when the truth is that there are very few of me out there. The world is full of jerks who weren’t nice and were genuinely and absolutely self centered.
We cant blame these people, you see when the bullshit about being nice and kind was being taught in moral science class they were wondering how they could go out and play some kind of sport. Or try and get the girl in class to profess her love to him. Most women had fathers who cared for them but were pricks nonetheless who treated their moms like shit and kept them subservient.
So the end result is that women unknowingly are attracted to the jerk, the asshole and the prick. It could be because they know exactly how to treat guys like this. And they can’t stand nice guys for the exact same reason….when someone treats them well, they don’t know how to react.
I realize that a lot of people reading this are going….no!!....this is so not true!!! I expect this more from the females out there, but you have to understand, women are genetically inclined to want a strong macho man in their lives. Sure they ‘say’ that they want a sensitive, caring and loving ‘lady boy’ , but as is the case with most women they don’t know what they want!
What sucks is that nice guys everywhere fall for this line…”I want a man who will understand my feelings and love me for what I am”. This line has made a lot of people turn themselves into soft spoken sensitive guys….me for example. It makes little difference to me that I didn’t find love,,, what I don’t like to see is that a man who acts like a real jerk gets the woman easily and more often than not he will have more on the side.
At times I wish that women will realize that they actually want the gentlemen and are just swayed by hormones…but I know that the truth is that nice and honest guys are the back up plan for most women. Not their priority……by no means.
They say that its good to be decent, nice and genuine….yes ‘they’ want to have all the women.
Selfishness a Virtue of Being Human
I think it was a wise sage somewhere who said that man is a social animal, well after careful consideration and thinking. I have come to the conclusion that this statement is true. Though I am thoroughly and comprehensively convinced I am not here to debate upon an accepted belief, I write this piece to shed some light on another matter. Man’s utter and complete love for himself, how he will go to great lengths to satisfy himself.
Men have claimed that their need for money was so great that they would be willing to kill for it, kill another human being to be precise. The only reason they would not was the fear of life not passion for someone elses life.
Selfishness in fact I believe is a virtue of being human, it is a human condition you see. If you are human you are selfish and being selfish ism only human. Selflessness is only a hoax a sham a mask if you like for the underliying self gratification of the person.
Recently I met a man who was a chemical engineer from a very prestigious university in India. The university is renowned, so much so that the person had got a job instantly in the US. And without thinking for more than a second he had left for it. I don’t believe he did anything wrong he was just relying on his instincts , should he stay in the country of his orgins and live life like everybody else or he could go to America and accept the highly lucrative job and live a seemingly happy life.
This man after living in the states returned to India to aid in relief work at a drought ridden area. Also convinced some of his friends, fellow college men to do the same. They say they are fulifilling some divine duty, all I can see is that these pricks want to get some attention from sacrificing their boring jobs, by the way they already made all the money they can make in the US. Yet I don’t blame the guy, he was just being human, simply a human condition.
Love, an elderly couple whom I have come to adore at a very persobal level told me, is an illusion created by the two people involved to stay attached. The girl probably wants to secure herself in a relationship and the guy probably thinks she is very attractive, they mentally psyche themselves to be attached by a mutually agreed feeling called love. Even this condition is a normal human phenomenon, yet it is borne out of the mother of all human conditions selfishness.
Would a guy love a girl if he did not get love and affection back, if he would not get any sex or any sort of support, hell no. Mind you this condition is ditto for females if not more. I don’t want to get a gender thing here. Selfishness is a human condition, Sex no bar, Caste no bar, Religion no bar, Color no bar, Financial condition no bar.
Did you here all those stories about virtuous people who are selfless and work for no gain. Well as far as I can see these kind of people are either dumb or just plain do not exist.
I know where criticism will arise, Parent child relationship. You know what the parent takes care of his child for either of two reasons, reason one society commands that they care of their children or , reason two they see a bit of themselves in their children. Either way they are being selfish. How? You ask, well here is how, if the parent keeps society’s norms in mind, he is trying to impress people around him , and maybe even impress the child, if the parent sees a bit of themselves in the child then he is doing it for something which is a part of himself.
Anyway the way I see it the only criticism which will really come up is because society has deemed being selfish Taboo, something which is blasphemous. Have you all ever considered that this virtue this human condition of being selfish is a good thing.
If man was not selfish he would never have gotten this far, achieved all this advancements. So when you think about it a little bit you can only come to one big conclusion I am right.
“Selfishness is a virtue of being human”
Something I would like to add, there maybe some people on this planet who do selfless deeds and mean to get nothing out of it. Whenever we see such people we always say that they are greater than most people, that they are angels. Well consider it, maybe they aren’t human because they are not selfish.
Men have claimed that their need for money was so great that they would be willing to kill for it, kill another human being to be precise. The only reason they would not was the fear of life not passion for someone elses life.
Selfishness in fact I believe is a virtue of being human, it is a human condition you see. If you are human you are selfish and being selfish ism only human. Selflessness is only a hoax a sham a mask if you like for the underliying self gratification of the person.
Recently I met a man who was a chemical engineer from a very prestigious university in India. The university is renowned, so much so that the person had got a job instantly in the US. And without thinking for more than a second he had left for it. I don’t believe he did anything wrong he was just relying on his instincts , should he stay in the country of his orgins and live life like everybody else or he could go to America and accept the highly lucrative job and live a seemingly happy life.
This man after living in the states returned to India to aid in relief work at a drought ridden area. Also convinced some of his friends, fellow college men to do the same. They say they are fulifilling some divine duty, all I can see is that these pricks want to get some attention from sacrificing their boring jobs, by the way they already made all the money they can make in the US. Yet I don’t blame the guy, he was just being human, simply a human condition.
Love, an elderly couple whom I have come to adore at a very persobal level told me, is an illusion created by the two people involved to stay attached. The girl probably wants to secure herself in a relationship and the guy probably thinks she is very attractive, they mentally psyche themselves to be attached by a mutually agreed feeling called love. Even this condition is a normal human phenomenon, yet it is borne out of the mother of all human conditions selfishness.
Would a guy love a girl if he did not get love and affection back, if he would not get any sex or any sort of support, hell no. Mind you this condition is ditto for females if not more. I don’t want to get a gender thing here. Selfishness is a human condition, Sex no bar, Caste no bar, Religion no bar, Color no bar, Financial condition no bar.
Did you here all those stories about virtuous people who are selfless and work for no gain. Well as far as I can see these kind of people are either dumb or just plain do not exist.
I know where criticism will arise, Parent child relationship. You know what the parent takes care of his child for either of two reasons, reason one society commands that they care of their children or , reason two they see a bit of themselves in their children. Either way they are being selfish. How? You ask, well here is how, if the parent keeps society’s norms in mind, he is trying to impress people around him , and maybe even impress the child, if the parent sees a bit of themselves in the child then he is doing it for something which is a part of himself.
Anyway the way I see it the only criticism which will really come up is because society has deemed being selfish Taboo, something which is blasphemous. Have you all ever considered that this virtue this human condition of being selfish is a good thing.
If man was not selfish he would never have gotten this far, achieved all this advancements. So when you think about it a little bit you can only come to one big conclusion I am right.
“Selfishness is a virtue of being human”
Something I would like to add, there maybe some people on this planet who do selfless deeds and mean to get nothing out of it. Whenever we see such people we always say that they are greater than most people, that they are angels. Well consider it, maybe they aren’t human because they are not selfish.
Monday, February 26, 2007
The Birthday Boy
The Twenty sixth of October. I dread this day every year, happens to be the day I was conceived to my parents. Birthdays are special days in ones life the day is supposed to be all about him. But have you given a thought as to what birthdays really are, a celebration to the fact that you are a year older and getting closer to the skull and bones. I mean celebrating New years makes more sense than celebrating a birthday. Birthdays function more like an intervention where you slice your life and figure out whats wrong with it.
Explain to me what I am supposed to like about the fact that I wake up in the morning my mother is right there, of course she is aware that today is my birthday, obviously she has not forgotten the day she had to undergo 6 hours of agonizing labour pains in a hospital. But there she is smiling with a twinkle in her eyes, she gives you a hug, says happy birthday, and all you can think of is that you have not brushed and you stink like the sixth cousin of Shrek.
You get to the breakfast table your sisters there, your lucky if your sister doesn’t like you but your positively in shit if she does, because she will give you the whole ‘ hey bro have nice b’day ‘ thing and you hate yourself for not having got her something for her birthday. Your father will be there, of course he is not the one who enjoys physical gestures, will smile at you silently wondering how old you need to be before he can make you work like a dog for him.
Your cell phone rings its your friend wishing you a happy one, this could be like your tenth friend calling, then again it could be the first and only one who remembers or even sadder none of your friends remember its your b’day.
You assure your friend that you will give him a treat, he will show some decency and decline, but if he is like anyone of my friends he will fucking demand it, like its his birthright or something.
Mommy will tell you about the present that she has bought for you , a new shirt to go with the denims you wear so much. Your appreciative but will not show all of it , lest she goes on a shopping spree and all you have are identical t-shirts. Your pa calls you over hands you some extra Moolah and tell you to spend well. Your sister gives you a kiss on the cheek and hand you a flashy new pen, this is a great pen gosh sisters have great taste.
Dash out the door fast enough so that you don’t have to endure anymore of the pain of having forgotten your sisters birthday. Better hope that it is a working day cause if its not you are probably going over to your friends place who is hopefully not too excited that you are a year older. Unfortunately he happens to be planning a major gig, he does not want to surprise you and tells you all about the party, including the guest list, all you can see on the list are names of people a) you hardly know b) you know and secretly hate c) really don’t want to know but your friends want them there. You wont say anything because you are not about to break your buddys heart who has gone through so much in preparing this bash for you. You stare at him blankly wondering why he is so thrilled about your birthday and contemplate would you do the same for him. Why do people have to go through so much pain to celebrate a wasteful life and the fact there are are many more to come.
Fast forward to the bash, the place is elegantly decorated …..yeah and I look like Matt Damon, the place is filled with multi colored balloons not filled to capacity, lights are either too bright which is a bad thing because it makes the place look like the set of some sit com, or worse it will be too dark which makes it look like a bar complete with the seriously drunk. Your entrance is nothing short of holy and your disciples are chanting your name, these people will do anything for Cake. Sure some girls are around but they are vaguely interested in you at best. Booze is flowing like it is new years eve, which leads you to wonder that maybe it is. Soon your confusion is shot to hell when another drunken buddy comes over to shout not sing but shout “for he is a jolly good fellow…” you give him credit for locating you in that dingy place, hey drunks have navigation only bad control.
The party is almost over you thank your buddies for the awesome time you had, hey you are not the one to hurt their feelings and besides you are not that drunk. Its almost midnight, the shows going to end, you have gone through the whole day being the center of attraction. People have had a good time because you were born on this day.
Bitching is a bad habit, but hey every body does it, you hate this day and since its “your” day you have the full right to be pissed off. Stop to wonder, maybe this day isn’t about you, its not about you at all, its about the people who love you, and care about you, and people who give a rats ass about you, maybe they need a day to celebrate the fact that you exist , the fact that you play a part in their lives. This day they appreciate your existence and acknowledge by drinking to you and your health, cherish this moment because come the next day you are just another guy.
Explain to me what I am supposed to like about the fact that I wake up in the morning my mother is right there, of course she is aware that today is my birthday, obviously she has not forgotten the day she had to undergo 6 hours of agonizing labour pains in a hospital. But there she is smiling with a twinkle in her eyes, she gives you a hug, says happy birthday, and all you can think of is that you have not brushed and you stink like the sixth cousin of Shrek.
You get to the breakfast table your sisters there, your lucky if your sister doesn’t like you but your positively in shit if she does, because she will give you the whole ‘ hey bro have nice b’day ‘ thing and you hate yourself for not having got her something for her birthday. Your father will be there, of course he is not the one who enjoys physical gestures, will smile at you silently wondering how old you need to be before he can make you work like a dog for him.
Your cell phone rings its your friend wishing you a happy one, this could be like your tenth friend calling, then again it could be the first and only one who remembers or even sadder none of your friends remember its your b’day.
You assure your friend that you will give him a treat, he will show some decency and decline, but if he is like anyone of my friends he will fucking demand it, like its his birthright or something.
Mommy will tell you about the present that she has bought for you , a new shirt to go with the denims you wear so much. Your appreciative but will not show all of it , lest she goes on a shopping spree and all you have are identical t-shirts. Your pa calls you over hands you some extra Moolah and tell you to spend well. Your sister gives you a kiss on the cheek and hand you a flashy new pen, this is a great pen gosh sisters have great taste.
Dash out the door fast enough so that you don’t have to endure anymore of the pain of having forgotten your sisters birthday. Better hope that it is a working day cause if its not you are probably going over to your friends place who is hopefully not too excited that you are a year older. Unfortunately he happens to be planning a major gig, he does not want to surprise you and tells you all about the party, including the guest list, all you can see on the list are names of people a) you hardly know b) you know and secretly hate c) really don’t want to know but your friends want them there. You wont say anything because you are not about to break your buddys heart who has gone through so much in preparing this bash for you. You stare at him blankly wondering why he is so thrilled about your birthday and contemplate would you do the same for him. Why do people have to go through so much pain to celebrate a wasteful life and the fact there are are many more to come.
Fast forward to the bash, the place is elegantly decorated …..yeah and I look like Matt Damon, the place is filled with multi colored balloons not filled to capacity, lights are either too bright which is a bad thing because it makes the place look like the set of some sit com, or worse it will be too dark which makes it look like a bar complete with the seriously drunk. Your entrance is nothing short of holy and your disciples are chanting your name, these people will do anything for Cake. Sure some girls are around but they are vaguely interested in you at best. Booze is flowing like it is new years eve, which leads you to wonder that maybe it is. Soon your confusion is shot to hell when another drunken buddy comes over to shout not sing but shout “for he is a jolly good fellow…” you give him credit for locating you in that dingy place, hey drunks have navigation only bad control.
The party is almost over you thank your buddies for the awesome time you had, hey you are not the one to hurt their feelings and besides you are not that drunk. Its almost midnight, the shows going to end, you have gone through the whole day being the center of attraction. People have had a good time because you were born on this day.
Bitching is a bad habit, but hey every body does it, you hate this day and since its “your” day you have the full right to be pissed off. Stop to wonder, maybe this day isn’t about you, its not about you at all, its about the people who love you, and care about you, and people who give a rats ass about you, maybe they need a day to celebrate the fact that you exist , the fact that you play a part in their lives. This day they appreciate your existence and acknowledge by drinking to you and your health, cherish this moment because come the next day you are just another guy.
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